Connection

The Moon

The Moon holds all secrets.
Yours and mine.
It is a divine circumstance,
Not some random chance.

The Moon may appear busy
With its changing phases
And varied dance across the sky.

It is no secret.
It is a gift from above.
The dance of give and receive.

It is limitless and accessible to all.
The capacity to hold is unchanging.

The Moon listens to my heart.

It is with gratitude that I join
And dance with the stars.

Connection

HANDS

My hands, oh, marvelous hands
They are more than an instrument
For survival and instinct.
They hold what is dear.
Protect and grasp.
They lovingly clasp hands
Overlapping the fingers of another
Like a zipper
All knit and closed up.

They carry more than their weight
And sometimes I burden them
as I try to hold more
than is manageable.

They are in tune with the seasons
Even when my head 
and thoughts are not.

They reflect time and age.
There is no denying the changing
Shape and texture over the years.

They hold my pen and
Create shapes that move
Across the page.
They allow me to type and
Send my stories across
The globe. 
And with a click of a button,
My hands reach out to you.

My hands,
Just for today,
I will appreciate all you do,
Routinized and mechanical at times,
Without much thought
You are always there for me.
So today, I celebrate
and thank you.
Connection

Each Day is a Gift

I welcome my mortality.
It’s scary to share with another
Thoughts of the impermanence of life.
Perhaps it is too morbid a subject for some
And it can really darken another’s mood.

Once you hit middle age 
You begin to realize
Half of a lifetime 
May already have been lived.
Maybe one day you notice
It takes the body longer to recover
than it used to.
Like I can’t roller skate as fast as before
And my balance is a bit off-kilter.

If today was my last day to live
How would I want it to go?
What would make my final moments
Have meaning?
Would I feel I’ve lived a well-lived and well-loved life?

Or would I deeply feel the shortness of life
And the reality that there isn’t enough time 
To do “all the things;”
That there was more in this lifetime for me 
to experience?
Checking things off a list 
or a life of comparison, 
wanting what they have
even if it doesn’t resonate with you,
isn’t the point.

Each day I try to embody that life truly is a gift.
And I intend to bring that appreciation
And gratitude into all my days 
While I get to roam this earth.

Court Reporting and Captioning

Am I fulfilled at work?

There’s so many facets to life
More than the sum of its parts.
I know I don’t want my vocation
to be the only definition
of my innate worth,
of my contribution
to the collective whole.

The French refuse to be 
defined by their profession
and I am inspired.
But I can’t deny that what I do
My job, my career
has thrived and brought me riches,
Internal and external rewards:
Recognition
Journeys
Challenges
Joy and pain.

And I could never
stand before you 
Here today without
that vocation.
I possess a rare skillset
And I am proud for all
of my accomplishments.

Even now as guardian of the record,
As the silent witness
As laws in the books
are test driven in daily life.
To be front and center 
of someone retelling 
their darkest hour,
their fears replayed.
And I am honored to be
Entrusted.
It is a gift.

Or in my previous career,
To help someone who cannot hear
take an active role
and participate 
And even the playing field.
My skills cannot be underestimated.

Am I fulfilled?
Yes.
Do I wish for things to be different?
At times, of course, I do.
The many facets of my life
do not revolve on
my ability to bring home
a paycheck.

Although, with utmost gratitude,
I must recognize that 
my current position has
given me a routine,
a steady schedule 
with space to reflect
and create these words to you.


abundance

The Cycle of Lack

The Cycle of Lack
was a huge discovery
and life lesson for me.
It was the end of 2017
And it was the start of
My growth and 
Feeling mastery in my maturity.

I was no longer to blame
or at fault for my sense of lack.

Is it outside voices, ideals, projected lives
Or circumstance that
Makes me feel unfulfilled?
Always grasping for more
Feeling left out, left behind
Feeling like I'm missing out
And everyone else has their shit together?

The grass is always greener over there
And I’m stuck over here.
It can feel hopeless.
I may feel helpless and stuck.
It’s hard to find motivation
Let alone the momentum
Required to create
Positive change.

When I take a breath,
I can step outside of the
Hamster wheel of
Hurry and challenge
And create space,
A pause to examine
The reverie of lack
And ask: 
What would be enough?

What am I craving
In this moment?
Is it love, companionship or
Connection?
Am I lonely?

Do I crave alone time
Or solitude?
Do I feel like I’m being pulled
In a million directions?

Can I be kind to myself
And notice one good thing
That is going right?

I created the cycle of lack in 2017,
But it took four years to
Find my way out of the center
and learn that
The magic of reframing lack
to one of appreciation
Can break the cycle.

Will those thoughts creep up again?
Of course.
Life is full of its ups and downs.
It may feel like there’s shortages
In supply and energy.
I know I can rest.
And I can feel gratitude 
In what is enough
Just right now
Is all I need to break the cycle.
Connection

The thread

This one precious life. 
How fragile it is.
Strung by a thread
into the vastness of eternity.
The oneness of all beings
on their own threaded life.

Who created the thread?
Who laid out the journey before I
came to be?
The vastness of potential
of choices made to make me
Me.
Who I am today
Whole, full of light and feeling grateful.

This thread we weave
and walk upon.
It has been tested with unavoidable change,
growth and setbacks
and lessons learned.
My one precious life.

I do not know what lies ahead.

At times, I feel this journey is mine alone
And even though with a future unknown,
I can be supported and held as I travel on
and begin another lap around the sun.

self-care

The Blackberries

The blackberries
the quintessential fruit of summer.
On the brink of harvest
in the heat of morning sun.
They sit patiently
an offering.
Do I accept the invitation?

There is nothing like fresh fruit
the burst of flavor on my tongue.
The dark stained hands
from the fleshy bells.
On my chin and darkened my tongue.

The fruit is not forbidden
or only for the chosen few.
Only to those who happen to
look up at the sky
and notice
that there’s more than
meets the ordinary eye.

There is some effort.
I must confess.
Before you can savor the
reward of your labors.

It takes the body to the edge
just beyond reach.
With added vigor and strength,
I can reach what I desire.

It is now in my grasp
and my body relaxes and breathes.
Sighing as I place the dark bell into my mouth.
Yes, I’ll save some for later
and share the bounty.
But right now this is just for me.
This moment.
This effort.
This delicious reverie is mine to savor.
So I do.
Not caught up in agendas, past stories or future thinking.
Just the blackberries
The offering and
Me the willing recipient.

And I am filled with awe and gratitude
for the fresh delectable flesh.
Just mine.
All mine.

I touch the tree’s bark
and look up in the branches.
There is more than enough for everyone. For the birds, the insects, the squirrels and me.
All sharing a Thanksgiving feast.

The tree accepts all and turns away none. 
Is generous and sharing to all who visit her 
and enjoying her gift in her presence is the true gift.
Connection

Heart Sky

When I am still and quiet my mind, 
I take a look up at the grand sky. 
If there are clouds they often take shape in my mind’s eye. 
There is a dragon with its pointed tail and craned long neck. 
There is a bird with wings that seem to engulf and span across the whole sky above me. 
I feel so little like I’m a worm in the earth about to be gobbled up as prey. 
Then I see sea creatures. 
Mermaids dancing with their magical tails as fish clamber around to find their own space. 

I breathe deep. I try to share what I see.

My favorite times are when my mind is busy and away with thoughts and then I catch just a glimpse of the sky and the cloud is shaped like a heart.

Finding hearts randomly around nature is my symbol. 
I’m always grateful of the reminder that I am love and loved 
whether it’s the cloud up above like a large heartbeat in the sky 
or the dried up and grayed gum on the sidewalk that shares a similar shape 
or the lotion just pumped onto my palm. 
And the heart makes me smile and pause for just a brief moment. That’s all it takes really.

Though the clouds and heart shapes may disappear, the image is contained in my mind and my heart. 
I am grateful. Alive. I am not so small. 
When I am present with the sky or the sidewalk, 
I am in awe and connected to the universal magic that is always surrounding us.
Heart Sky

self-care

Glorious Sun

In winter sunrises always take my breath away. A return to the light. In summer it’s the opposite. We are surrounded by light. The humid sticky air combined with the sun does not provide reprieve. We all walk, jog, bike, scoot, drive or wait for the bus under its unrelenting rays. How quick we get accustomed to complaining. Too much sun. But then after a few stretch of rainy days, we once again greet the sun almost like a stranger staring into our eyes. No escape. We love it. We miss it. We wish for shelter away from it. Each day, regardless of where we are and how our life is shaping that day, the sun appears. Our very lives depend on it.

The water needs to be evaporated so that the clouds can form. It’s a cycle and it never complains or takes a day off. The stained paint on the gate dries and fades over the years. The gate would rust and fall off its hinges from weather and wear. Yet the sun shines on. The lettuce, the soy, the garbanzo and pea, the wheat that forms my sandwich once stood open wide under the sun. It sustains us all and I am forever grateful.

The sheet is spread across the warm grass. Little ants climb on to see what’s for dinner. I find a shady spot but I’m never too far from the glorious sun.

Connection · self-care

If I only had five years to live

If I only had five years to live:

I would let the small things go:  That argument with my husband; that misunderstanding that eats at me when I get quiet; that car that almost rear-ended me as they sped through the yield sign.  It doesn’t matter.   The annoying sound that usually puts me in a tailspin when I’m trying to focus.  I will let it go.  It won’t become an ingrained memory that I look back on.  It’s not a part of my legacy.

My mind and energy deserve more than this.  If this is all I got, then I’m making the most of it.  I would cherish and savor all the moments.   I would linger a little longer outdoors no matter the season to slow down and touch the ever-changing ground as it goes through its seasonal cycle.  I wouldn’t hurry and live in my mind of to-dos and being driven by tasks and lists, which leads to a hurried, stressed out, overwhelmed, rushed, fatigued day that beads into weeks and a lifetime.

I will seek out to experience life to the fullest for each day is truly a gift.  I will be grateful for my loves and my life lessons.  My time will not be squandered.  Do I want to travel while I still can?  Do I want to get caught up on what matters most?  Conversations with my friends.  Walks with Jeff.  Coffee dates.  An easy morning to set me up for an easy life.

In the end I know it will feel brief.  I will wish I had more time.  But ultimately I will feel fulfilled and that I had a life worth living.  That I sought out my own happiness and didn’t get caught up in dread, fear, worry, or future tripping.

The future is uncertain.  We do not have a timeline or our lifeline set in stone or guarantees of when and how it will end.  We just have today and our breath and our hearts to beat.  I will be here taking stock, creating memories for my loved ones, feeling that my time and energy is focused on what truly matters to me.  At least with this choice, I will feel whole and complete.

I want to thank my husband for challenging me to think and blog about this topic.   His blog is here:  https://amorereasonablemind.wordpress.com/  If you were told you only had five years to live, how would you choose to spend your days?