At winter solstice darkness dominates the days And light seems to fade shortly after its arrival. I marvel at the light. At the sunrise The neighbor’s chimney smoke Graceful and floating Like a dancer in the sky. The sunset that takes my breath away And I linger to look A little longer. I marvel at the light. Everything seems aglow Orange and burning Then quick pinks and purple Gone in a flash. Over and over again. I marvel at the light. I surprise myself And take it all in. Darkness may seem to Envelope and surround. And the bitter chill Nips at my nose. The light that appears is just a little bit brighter, a little bit more alive. I marvel at the light. We take in the light and create our own Be it holiday lights Or candlelight. This little light I hold in my hand It warms our hearts Through and to The brighter days ahead.
The Cycle of Lack was a huge discovery and life lesson for me. It was the end of 2017 And it was the start of My growth and Feeling mastery in my maturity. I was no longer to blame or at fault for my sense of lack. Is it outside voices, ideals, projected lives Or circumstance that Makes me feel unfulfilled? Always grasping for more Feeling left out, left behind Feeling like I'm missing out And everyone else has their shit together? The grass is always greener over there And I’m stuck over here. It can feel hopeless. I may feel helpless and stuck. It’s hard to find motivation Let alone the momentum Required to create Positive change. When I take a breath, I can step outside of the Hamster wheel of Hurry and challenge And create space, A pause to examine The reverie of lack And ask: What would be enough? What am I craving In this moment? Is it love, companionship or Connection? Am I lonely? Do I crave alone time Or solitude? Do I feel like I’m being pulled In a million directions? Can I be kind to myself And notice one good thing That is going right? I created the cycle of lack in 2017, But it took four years to Find my way out of the center and learn that The magic of reframing lack to one of appreciation Can break the cycle. Will those thoughts creep up again? Of course. Life is full of its ups and downs. It may feel like there’s shortages In supply and energy. I know I can rest. And I can feel gratitude In what is enough Just right now Is all I need to break the cycle.
I paused before eating the donut. I took a breath and realized that I have a green smoothie in the fridge. Maybe I’ll enjoy the donut tomorrow. It’s rainy. It’s cold and I’m eating cold food. I was fighting off a virus on Easter and my appetite is still not back to normal. I’m grazing and not consuming my usual portion size. Today I drank my first small cup of half-calf coffee. I still want to limit my intake. I’m so tired of the energy crashes. Maybe without caffeine, I’ll have steady, normal energy again. Wouldn’t that be blissful? Like when I was a child again.
Lately I’ve been suffering tennis elbow. I decided that I’m going to be as hands-free as possible with my belongings. Constantly having my hands full can become a way of life: Carrying our burdens all the time. Carrying our obligations and “the weight of the world.” That it’s our burden alone to carry.
Well, I’m not down with that anymore. This momma is getting a cross-over purse. She’s going to limit what she carries:
I will only hold one beverage at a time or I’ll find a suitable place to carry it for me. The old me normally held a glass water bottle, had a coffee travel mug tucked in the crook of my arm with the weight of my purse handle pressing into my inner elbow. All the weight was on my right side leaving my left hand free to open the door or to navigate. My husband has called me a “bag lady” on more than one occasion. I brushed it off as an annoying comment. I didn’t realize how ridiculous I looked until I caught a glimpse of myself. It reflected how much I always seem to carry: work bags, tote bags, a child, grocery bags, laundry, food, etc.
This bout with tennis elbow has been painful. But as the astute learner, I’m listening to its message. “You do enough. You don’t have to pile anything else onto your plate. It is safe to let it go for now.”
And pausing is the best first response. That microsecond gives me a moment to reflect, to think, to not go off on to autopilot and reach for the donut.
Even though it’s a cold, gray day, I feel energized. Maybe it’s because I kicked this cold to the curb and I’m feeling like my old self again. Perhaps a lighter version of myself and I’m seeing with renewed eyes.