abundance

How does jealousy and comparison serve me?

Jealousy can be a reminder of what I want my life to look like. How I want to spend my days being creative and comfortable, feeling safe to share my story. Of course, when I view others as having the life I’d like to embody, I’m not seeing the details, the work that it takes to get there. I just see the big picture and I want more of that in my life. Jealousy can be a metaphorical kick in the pants to take action toward my dreams. On the negative, jealousy can make me feel lack and blame that they took what was rightfully mine and I can never get it, or it was the only one and there is no other.

Comparison places others as being better or less than me. We are not equals in this game of life. It’s a game of competition, limited resources and the early worm gets rewarded. Yet, I always come up short or get the timing wrong. On the flipside, comparison can make me feel superior to others. I am better because I earned it and they didn’t. Or I feel guilt and cast shadows of doubt on my rewards in life.

Instead of jealousy and comparison, I’d like to feel prosperous, appreciative and at ease.

Prosperous, to me, is accepting all of the gifts that surround me. It is the innate knowing that I have all that I need. It stops the cycle of lack, blame and shame in its tracks. When I appreciate what I have, I’m better able to access the skills and wisdom that is already inside of me. I’d like to feel confident in my skills and abilities. I’d like to be at ease with my current circumstances and stop the inner and outer struggle to change reality.

Perhaps, if I make a daily intention to feel prosperous, to focus on appreciating what I have and be truly comfortable with myself, I will have the confidence to notice that when jealousy and comparison do crop up again, I have a choice. I can project a positive, optimistic outlook and it will come back to me. There really is enough for everyone. And what I have can never be lost or taken from me. I can genuinely feel happy for someone else’s achievements and I, in turn, am able to accept praise and compliments from others with ease and gratitude. Maybe those I may be jealous of today can be tomorrow’s friend or mentor. Our egos will no longer run the show when we show up with love and authenticity.

shared stories

Jealousy

As I started this blog topic today,
I noticed lousy is in the word jealousy
And the final feeling
when all the rage, anger,
blame, guilt and shame
has settled down,
the end result is
I always feel lousy.

Can jealousy be my teacher
or at least serve as a guidepost
that a boundary perhaps
is being crossed?

Other times jealousy arises from
the actions perceived or real
by a stranger, someone unknown,
and it’s not personal.
But I feel recoiled, wounded and protective.
It opens up old scars that
I thought I’ve gotten over,
long healed and moved on.

Today, I got to work a little late
so my usual parking spot was taken.
It’s not mine. I don’t have a claim,
a sign, a right even to that parking spot. 
It’s just convenient.
I could always park one level up
and be on the same spot.
It’s all perspective,
claiming ownership over something
that isn’t mine.

Today it was a reminder of impermanence and 
the inevitable change that must occur.
And again suffering is optional
and at my own making.
I can leave feeling lousy.
And instead of starting my day on the positive, 
I’m feeling thrown off kilter, 
uncertain and grumpy.

When was the last time you felt jealous?
abundance

The sea glass

The sea glass is a buried treasure
washed to and fro.
The water ground down its 
edges and smoothed
its shards.

But it is an offering.
A reminder
that it outlived its 
original purpose and is anew.

Was it thoughtlessly discarded
or washed away in a 
blink of an eye?
The incoming tide does that
sometimes.
Washing away my sandals,
the bucket and shovel
If I lose sight and forget
nature's force 
for just a minute 
is all it takes.

Now this glass is anew.
A new purpose.
A treasure.

It's opaque and thick
I can't see through it
But I can hold it
Move it from hand to hand
Tighten and loosen my grip

It has traveled and seen
depths unknown to me
Except in my imagination.

I turn inward and out
like a labyrinth trail
Like the glass washed over
with sand until it
and I are polished
Anew.  A clean slate.
A new beginning.  A new
discovery where there are
no more limits.

That's how I seize today.
Carpe Diem and new moon intentions
A belief that endless possibilities lie ahead
Once I've done the inner work.
Outside circumstances
may have shifted in parallel time and space
But I am steady and still

Even if I don't move from this very spot
The earth has shifted and traveled
unbeknownst to my beating heart and
busy mind.  I have traveled, 
seen and loved, 
and discovered new shapes 
and stories about myself.

abundance

What is abundance?

This morning after my yoga and meditation, I journaled on what abundance means to me.  It's the opposite of lack.  It's a belief in myself that I have everything I need, including the answers that I seek.  I'm taking an active role over the direction of my life.  It's more than goal setting and self-improvement.  It's a way of living a full, well-loved, well-lived life.  It's the trust and belief that it's all working for the highest good.  And abundance makes me feel safe, empowered and confident that what I intend will become my reality.

I'm currently in the Art of Abundance 31-day challenge with Yoga with Kassandra.  We set our affirmation and intention at the new moon.  This month the new moon is in Virgo, which happened on Labor Day, Monday, September 6.  It's been a very busy time at work and I'm trying to avoid burnout.  So with this in mind, my affirmation for the 31-day challenge is:  I believe in myself and my capabilities.  My intention is:  It's all getting done day by day when I set boundaries that protect my time.

I've done affirmation meditations in the past and new moon intentions.  What's great about this challenge is the repetitive nature and daily reminders of my affirmation and intention.  Time often seems to tick away with to-do's, work, chores, unexpected situations, you name it. And in those hectic days, it's easy to forget and lose sight of my current dreams and goals.

So this is my focus for this lunar cycle.  

What does abundance mean to you?  
Have you felt abundant before and what did it feel like?
Do you believe you deserve to embody the feeling of abundance?
Connection · shared stories

Saying goodbye to nice

“She’s so nice” “almost too nice.”
What the hell does that mean?

From childhood we are nice girls
when we help mommy
and are not too rambunctious or loud. 
Nice when we are using our imagination 
on domestic endeavors.

I’ve grown up being called nice
and the good girl.
The dependable child.
Always available, helping
with minimal complaints or drama.

How did this disposition become so ingrained 
into my identity that I don’t remember 
where it originated from?
And when did I choose to
embody the spirit of nice?

I was in a long-term relationship
in my early adult life.
I played by all the rules
and was proud of my accomplishments 
and all that I did and strive for
despite my challenging upbringing.

But I gave away my power so easily. 
Particularly to my partner.
And I still have this tendency in my marriage.
The weight I give him takes precedence 
over my own beliefs and interests.

If I speak up, I feel selfish
and like I’m being self-centered
and there’s something wrong with me
for voicing my opinion and concerns.

I’m making waves.
It’s always easier to just play along,
go with the flow.
But soon the scenery changes
And the calm river is now rapidly moving towards downfall
and I lost my footing, my way,
my own heart’s calling
and loving what I love because it fits me.
I am cast off.

So I need to make waves
if anything for survival
and self-preservation.
I am not going to lie there
without taking an active role.

But these feelings of
I should just go along,
it’s easier than using effort
when life can feel so exhausting.
And “we have to choose our battles“
but then I’m left with a shell of
what could’ve been.

Connection

Who understands me but me

They say I must fit a certain mold
to be acceptable in society
to be fit for love
to be lovely and desired.

They say I must be at least
2 inches taller if I want to
fit into regular size jeans
instead of my petite ones.

They say I must cover up
my tattoos in order to fit into
a corporate business world.

They say I must color my grays
if I want to stay looking younger
than I actually am.

Who understands me but me
when I look in the mirror
and apply eye repair cream
to keep a youthful appearance
and crows feet away for another day.

They say I must shave my legs
and balk at the sight of a stray hair.
Who notices but me.

Am I my worst critic
or is society hounding me
to contort
to fit into a mold
that was not shaped for me
or for any individual for that matter.

Yet we must if we want friends
if we want to stay employed
if we want that paycheck.
Put on a little lipstick
and wear some heels.

Who understands me but me
when I wear flats
and thank my toes and feet
at the end of the day
for holding me up
and taking me where I want to go.

Who understands me but me
when I see the start of white grayish roots 
and comb my hair to cover it over  
until my next hair appointment.

Who understands me but me.
self-care

The Blackberries

The blackberries
the quintessential fruit of summer.
On the brink of harvest
in the heat of morning sun.
They sit patiently
an offering.
Do I accept the invitation?

There is nothing like fresh fruit
the burst of flavor on my tongue.
The dark stained hands
from the fleshy bells.
On my chin and darkened my tongue.

The fruit is not forbidden
or only for the chosen few.
Only to those who happen to
look up at the sky
and notice
that there’s more than
meets the ordinary eye.

There is some effort.
I must confess.
Before you can savor the
reward of your labors.

It takes the body to the edge
just beyond reach.
With added vigor and strength,
I can reach what I desire.

It is now in my grasp
and my body relaxes and breathes.
Sighing as I place the dark bell into my mouth.
Yes, I’ll save some for later
and share the bounty.
But right now this is just for me.
This moment.
This effort.
This delicious reverie is mine to savor.
So I do.
Not caught up in agendas, past stories or future thinking.
Just the blackberries
The offering and
Me the willing recipient.

And I am filled with awe and gratitude
for the fresh delectable flesh.
Just mine.
All mine.

I touch the tree’s bark
and look up in the branches.
There is more than enough for everyone. For the birds, the insects, the squirrels and me.
All sharing a Thanksgiving feast.

The tree accepts all and turns away none. 
Is generous and sharing to all who visit her 
and enjoying her gift in her presence is the true gift.
self-care

The open door

When I walked through the open door
my mind was made up
before the scent of lilacs
and roses greeted me.

They derailed me
woke me out of my inner dialogue
of likes/dislikes, shoulds and have tos.

The inner chatter fell away
like drapes falling off a clothesline.
The gust made them take flight
and swim along the breeze.

Oh, how I wished to drop like the drapes
to embody and become one with it all.
To let go
and truly lose myself
for just a moment.

Naked, exposed
Yet safe to eat the papaya
with my bare hands.
The juice dripping down my arms.
Orange sweet streaks
and I laughed at the imperfection.

So raw, so real,
so present that the daisy and the rose,
the drapes and the breeze
all encompassed me
and I felt true peace.

self-care

I come from there

I come from there.
Far over the edge
where the sky meets the earth.
The trees line the horizon
With never ending evergreen.

I come from there.
The warm grass
with little crawling insects.
A green soft blanket underfoot.

I come from there.
Where salty air cools my skin
and fills my lungs with care.

I come from there.
Far over the edge
where the sea spreads out
to a flat horizon
whose edges knows no bounds.

I come from there
Where rain melds
and becomes my tears
tears of joy
tears of sorrow
nourishment and sustenance.
I feel and appreciate it all.

I come from there.
Where home greets me
at the door.
A warm embrace.
A quick burst of chatter about the day.
We are welcome.
We are loved.
We belong
And call this our forever home.

I come from there.
The lovers embrace.
The calm after the storm.
The seed of potential.
The green light of love.
The sparkling emerald of my heart.
I come from there.

I just know in my bones.
There was no lesson.
No guidebook or post
to mark my path.

The landscape was laid out before me. 
Welcomed me
with a warm embrace.
Sunshine on my face.
Sustenance to survive.
Laughter, joy and connection
to make it all worthwhile.
Mine all mine.
My story.
My experience.
My joy and sorrow.
I come from there.

The edge.
The sea.
The air.
The sky.
The grass.
The rain.
And I am welcomed
home to mother earth
greeted by a new day
and embraced by the moon each night

I come from there.
The loving world
and welcomed embrace
self-care

Remember

Remember the scent of the lilacs.
How the air just embodied their aroma
and drifted it into the windows
into my lungs.

Remember when they were teeny tiny buds.
How 5-year old Lilly marveled at their small size. 
Little purple bumps bursting from the green.

Remember the Easter lilies
and this was the first year
I got so low to the ground
I could actually smell them for the first time.

Remember the towering orange iris. 
Remember the hearty rosebush. 
Remember the mimosa tree that
once stood proud, colorful and fragrant. 
Now an empty shell.
Bare branches.
The weakened trunk sways with a gentle push.

Remember the dogwood’s white blossoms
and Lilly called the neighbor’s pink blossoms 
“flower snow” as they fell
and covered the ground in small piles of soft pink.

Remember the woodpecker, the cardinal, 
the new birds that decided to stop by for a visit.
Remember the bunny rabbit, like Old Faithful, 
arrives around dinner time 
looking for her evening meal as well.

Remember the hawk perched on top
of the playset as a squirrel huddled
and hid under the child’s chair
unmoving and the hawk ever patient.

Remember the blue jays that harassed 
and chased that hawk away
and the squirrel that timidly crawled 
commando style and lived another day.

Remember the sweet breeze from the ocean
even reaching here not so close to the shore
and how I marveled at the salty refreshing air.

Remember the first kiss.
The special rock overlooking the bay
and our life began together.
Remember that tender beginning love 
is still here under the surface.
A beloved memory but always here in my heart.