When I open the window to love, I let in more than just fresh air or a better view. There is love in the air. A love of autumn Bright, true colors shine through Surrounded by the abundance of harvest. Juicy apples and round pumpkins to delight with flavor and possibility. The aromas, the sights, the sounds of squirrels skittering and kicking up brush, a treasure in its mouth. It is survival instinct to save for a cold winter's day. I take a mental note and decide to write what I'm grateful for to reread for myself on a hard, cold day. The harvest full moon rose last night and I watched it take its usual path across the night's sky. In my mind's eye, I am looking at its face as it kisses me across the cheek. Such wisdom and stories it holds.
How does jealousy and comparison serve me?
Jealousy can be a reminder of what I want my life to look like. How I want to spend my days being creative and comfortable, feeling safe to share my story. Of course, when I view others as having the life I’d like to embody, I’m not seeing the details, the work that it takes to get there. I just see the big picture and I want more of that in my life. Jealousy can be a metaphorical kick in the pants to take action toward my dreams. On the negative, jealousy can make me feel lack and blame that they took what was rightfully mine and I can never get it, or it was the only one and there is no other.
Comparison places others as being better or less than me. We are not equals in this game of life. It’s a game of competition, limited resources and the early worm gets rewarded. Yet, I always come up short or get the timing wrong. On the flipside, comparison can make me feel superior to others. I am better because I earned it and they didn’t. Or I feel guilt and cast shadows of doubt on my rewards in life.
Instead of jealousy and comparison, I’d like to feel prosperous, appreciative and at ease.
Prosperous, to me, is accepting all of the gifts that surround me. It is the innate knowing that I have all that I need. It stops the cycle of lack, blame and shame in its tracks. When I appreciate what I have, I’m better able to access the skills and wisdom that is already inside of me. I’d like to feel confident in my skills and abilities. I’d like to be at ease with my current circumstances and stop the inner and outer struggle to change reality.
Perhaps, if I make a daily intention to feel prosperous, to focus on appreciating what I have and be truly comfortable with myself, I will have the confidence to notice that when jealousy and comparison do crop up again, I have a choice. I can project a positive, optimistic outlook and it will come back to me. There really is enough for everyone. And what I have can never be lost or taken from me. I can genuinely feel happy for someone else’s achievements and I, in turn, am able to accept praise and compliments from others with ease and gratitude. Maybe those I may be jealous of today can be tomorrow’s friend or mentor. Our egos will no longer run the show when we show up with love and authenticity.
Jealousy
As I started this blog topic today, I noticed lousy is in the word jealousy And the final feeling when all the rage, anger, blame, guilt and shame has settled down, the end result is I always feel lousy. Can jealousy be my teacher or at least serve as a guidepost that a boundary perhaps is being crossed? Other times jealousy arises from the actions perceived or real by a stranger, someone unknown, and it’s not personal. But I feel recoiled, wounded and protective. It opens up old scars that I thought I’ve gotten over, long healed and moved on. Today, I got to work a little late so my usual parking spot was taken. It’s not mine. I don’t have a claim, a sign, a right even to that parking spot. It’s just convenient. I could always park one level up and be on the same spot. It’s all perspective, claiming ownership over something that isn’t mine. Today it was a reminder of impermanence and the inevitable change that must occur. And again suffering is optional and at my own making. I can leave feeling lousy. And instead of starting my day on the positive, I’m feeling thrown off kilter, uncertain and grumpy. When was the last time you felt jealous?
The sea glass
The sea glass is a buried treasure washed to and fro. The water ground down its edges and smoothed its shards. But it is an offering. A reminder that it outlived its original purpose and is anew. Was it thoughtlessly discarded or washed away in a blink of an eye? The incoming tide does that sometimes. Washing away my sandals, the bucket and shovel If I lose sight and forget nature's force for just a minute is all it takes. Now this glass is anew. A new purpose. A treasure. It's opaque and thick I can't see through it But I can hold it Move it from hand to hand Tighten and loosen my grip It has traveled and seen depths unknown to me Except in my imagination. I turn inward and out like a labyrinth trail Like the glass washed over with sand until it and I are polished Anew. A clean slate. A new beginning. A new discovery where there are no more limits. That's how I seize today. Carpe Diem and new moon intentions A belief that endless possibilities lie ahead Once I've done the inner work. Outside circumstances may have shifted in parallel time and space But I am steady and still Even if I don't move from this very spot The earth has shifted and traveled unbeknownst to my beating heart and busy mind. I have traveled, seen and loved, and discovered new shapes and stories about myself.
What is abundance?
This morning after my yoga and meditation, I journaled on what abundance means to me. It's the opposite of lack. It's a belief in myself that I have everything I need, including the answers that I seek. I'm taking an active role over the direction of my life. It's more than goal setting and self-improvement. It's a way of living a full, well-loved, well-lived life. It's the trust and belief that it's all working for the highest good. And abundance makes me feel safe, empowered and confident that what I intend will become my reality. I'm currently in the Art of Abundance 31-day challenge with Yoga with Kassandra. We set our affirmation and intention at the new moon. This month the new moon is in Virgo, which happened on Labor Day, Monday, September 6. It's been a very busy time at work and I'm trying to avoid burnout. So with this in mind, my affirmation for the 31-day challenge is: I believe in myself and my capabilities. My intention is: It's all getting done day by day when I set boundaries that protect my time. I've done affirmation meditations in the past and new moon intentions. What's great about this challenge is the repetitive nature and daily reminders of my affirmation and intention. Time often seems to tick away with to-do's, work, chores, unexpected situations, you name it. And in those hectic days, it's easy to forget and lose sight of my current dreams and goals. So this is my focus for this lunar cycle. What does abundance mean to you? Have you felt abundant before and what did it feel like? Do you believe you deserve to embody the feeling of abundance?
Saying goodbye to nice
“She’s so nice” “almost too nice.” What the hell does that mean? From childhood we are nice girls when we help mommy and are not too rambunctious or loud. Nice when we are using our imagination on domestic endeavors. I’ve grown up being called nice and the good girl. The dependable child. Always available, helping with minimal complaints or drama. How did this disposition become so ingrained into my identity that I don’t remember where it originated from? And when did I choose to embody the spirit of nice? I was in a long-term relationship in my early adult life. I played by all the rules and was proud of my accomplishments and all that I did and strive for despite my challenging upbringing. But I gave away my power so easily. Particularly to my partner. And I still have this tendency in my marriage. The weight I give him takes precedence over my own beliefs and interests. If I speak up, I feel selfish and like I’m being self-centered and there’s something wrong with me for voicing my opinion and concerns. I’m making waves. It’s always easier to just play along, go with the flow. But soon the scenery changes And the calm river is now rapidly moving towards downfall and I lost my footing, my way, my own heart’s calling and loving what I love because it fits me. I am cast off. So I need to make waves if anything for survival and self-preservation. I am not going to lie there without taking an active role. But these feelings of I should just go along, it’s easier than using effort when life can feel so exhausting. And “we have to choose our battles“ but then I’m left with a shell of what could’ve been.
Who understands me but me
They say I must fit a certain mold to be acceptable in society to be fit for love to be lovely and desired. They say I must be at least 2 inches taller if I want to fit into regular size jeans instead of my petite ones. They say I must cover up my tattoos in order to fit into a corporate business world. They say I must color my grays if I want to stay looking younger than I actually am. Who understands me but me when I look in the mirror and apply eye repair cream to keep a youthful appearance and crows feet away for another day. They say I must shave my legs and balk at the sight of a stray hair. Who notices but me. Am I my worst critic or is society hounding me to contort to fit into a mold that was not shaped for me or for any individual for that matter. Yet we must if we want friends if we want to stay employed if we want that paycheck. Put on a little lipstick and wear some heels. Who understands me but me when I wear flats and thank my toes and feet at the end of the day for holding me up and taking me where I want to go. Who understands me but me when I see the start of white grayish roots and comb my hair to cover it over until my next hair appointment. Who understands me but me.
The Blackberries
The blackberries the quintessential fruit of summer. On the brink of harvest in the heat of morning sun. They sit patiently an offering. Do I accept the invitation? There is nothing like fresh fruit the burst of flavor on my tongue. The dark stained hands from the fleshy bells. On my chin and darkened my tongue. The fruit is not forbidden or only for the chosen few. Only to those who happen to look up at the sky and notice that there’s more than meets the ordinary eye. There is some effort. I must confess. Before you can savor the reward of your labors. It takes the body to the edge just beyond reach. With added vigor and strength, I can reach what I desire. It is now in my grasp and my body relaxes and breathes. Sighing as I place the dark bell into my mouth. Yes, I’ll save some for later and share the bounty. But right now this is just for me. This moment. This effort. This delicious reverie is mine to savor. So I do. Not caught up in agendas, past stories or future thinking. Just the blackberries The offering and Me the willing recipient. And I am filled with awe and gratitude for the fresh delectable flesh. Just mine. All mine. I touch the tree’s bark and look up in the branches. There is more than enough for everyone. For the birds, the insects, the squirrels and me. All sharing a Thanksgiving feast. The tree accepts all and turns away none. Is generous and sharing to all who visit her and enjoying her gift in her presence is the true gift.
The open door
When I walked through the open door my mind was made up before the scent of lilacs and roses greeted me. They derailed me woke me out of my inner dialogue of likes/dislikes, shoulds and have tos. The inner chatter fell away like drapes falling off a clothesline. The gust made them take flight and swim along the breeze. Oh, how I wished to drop like the drapes to embody and become one with it all. To let go and truly lose myself for just a moment. Naked, exposed Yet safe to eat the papaya with my bare hands. The juice dripping down my arms. Orange sweet streaks and I laughed at the imperfection. So raw, so real, so present that the daisy and the rose, the drapes and the breeze all encompassed me and I felt true peace.
I come from there
I come from there. Far over the edge where the sky meets the earth. The trees line the horizon With never ending evergreen. I come from there. The warm grass with little crawling insects. A green soft blanket underfoot. I come from there. Where salty air cools my skin and fills my lungs with care. I come from there. Far over the edge where the sea spreads out to a flat horizon whose edges knows no bounds. I come from there Where rain melds and becomes my tears tears of joy tears of sorrow nourishment and sustenance. I feel and appreciate it all. I come from there. Where home greets me at the door. A warm embrace. A quick burst of chatter about the day. We are welcome. We are loved. We belong And call this our forever home. I come from there. The lovers embrace. The calm after the storm. The seed of potential. The green light of love. The sparkling emerald of my heart. I come from there. I just know in my bones. There was no lesson. No guidebook or post to mark my path. The landscape was laid out before me. Welcomed me with a warm embrace. Sunshine on my face. Sustenance to survive. Laughter, joy and connection to make it all worthwhile. Mine all mine. My story. My experience. My joy and sorrow. I come from there. The edge. The sea. The air. The sky. The grass. The rain. And I am welcomed home to mother earth greeted by a new day and embraced by the moon each night I come from there. The loving world and welcomed embrace
Healing Insights 