Connection

Have Patience

Have Patience
I told myself
Over and over again.
I knew the advice was sound
But I was so impatient!

And lonely.  I was tired
And fed up with being alone,
of not finding a connection
of not finding “The One.”

Have Patience
As the old advice goes.
I thought I could rush the process
Get to the finish line
Without doing the necessary work.

What I didn’t know was
It was all divine timing.
Even though in the messy middle,
I couldn’t find the lifeline.
My desires seemed just out of reach.
I needed a helping hand, a boost.

It was a hard narrow space
And I felt stuck.
The vault to my heart
was locked and well-guarded.
I didn’t want to be vulnerable,
to be open to being hurt again.

What I now know is
Where there is vulnerability,
There is an opening,
A softening
to receive love.
There I will find strength.

If I can’t be vulnerable
With the one I love,
The relationship is not authentic.
The foundation is fragile and loose.

Once I found I could be vulnerable
With another, I found safety 
In letting down my guard
And it was strength, not a weakness.
That it was true connection,
True intimacy.
And I finally found my loving partner.
Connection

Is it just me?

Who knows?  We put so much energy and attention focused on the future:  planning, striving, endless to-do’s and tasks that we lose the entire weekend.  My word this year is “Linger.”  And even I need a reminder.  I get future-tripped up in the anticipation of an upcoming retreat, a potential job opportunity, or perfecting my dream vision that my energy gets sapped from the here and now.  How can I linger over this cup of coffee when I’m all prepared for an event that might not happen at all?

There is no refund or credit on that time and energy spent and now it all comes down to the wire.  Will I get it or not?  And how can I prevent my energy from being wasted again in the future?  Do I need a grounding mantra that will gently nudge myself before I get full-on lost in thought, planning, fuming, etc. on whatever it is?

And this happens when I get stuck on past events too.  I replay and rehash them.  I imagine scenarios with a different outcome and my correct and witty response.  I make excuses to myself to relieve the miserableness, horror or embarrassment of it all.

Is it just me?