Connection · shared stories

Saying goodbye to nice

“She’s so nice” “almost too nice.”
What the hell does that mean?

From childhood we are nice girls
when we help mommy
and are not too rambunctious or loud. 
Nice when we are using our imagination 
on domestic endeavors.

I’ve grown up being called nice
and the good girl.
The dependable child.
Always available, helping
with minimal complaints or drama.

How did this disposition become so ingrained 
into my identity that I don’t remember 
where it originated from?
And when did I choose to
embody the spirit of nice?

I was in a long-term relationship
in my early adult life.
I played by all the rules
and was proud of my accomplishments 
and all that I did and strive for
despite my challenging upbringing.

But I gave away my power so easily. 
Particularly to my partner.
And I still have this tendency in my marriage.
The weight I give him takes precedence 
over my own beliefs and interests.

If I speak up, I feel selfish
and like I’m being self-centered
and there’s something wrong with me
for voicing my opinion and concerns.

I’m making waves.
It’s always easier to just play along,
go with the flow.
But soon the scenery changes
And the calm river is now rapidly moving towards downfall
and I lost my footing, my way,
my own heart’s calling
and loving what I love because it fits me.
I am cast off.

So I need to make waves
if anything for survival
and self-preservation.
I am not going to lie there
without taking an active role.

But these feelings of
I should just go along,
it’s easier than using effort
when life can feel so exhausting.
And “we have to choose our battles“
but then I’m left with a shell of
what could’ve been.