We are goddesses of the sea
hand holding hand
arms outstretched
an expectant embrace
We watch the incoming waves
and guess when will they arrive,
when will they break and crash
Sometimes our timing is just right
and we jump right over the wave
that matches our leap
We dance with the sea
It’s a game of catch and be catch
Category: shared stories
sharing our stories connects us
Sealed with a Kiss
(S.W.A.K.)
The sea breeze sends a kiss
on my cheek a mark
of our brief encounter.
It came without warning
and I was ready
though caught by surprise.
The window to my heart
opened a heart-shaped shell
a handful of smooth stones.
I wanted for nothing but
wanted more.
An empty chamber smooth and winding
it entered and a spark ignited.
Life answered the call
and I was home
whole and wholesome.
The front door sealed shut
the encounter from my beating heart
where language and oneness
have no barrier even here
even here.
The Buffet of Depression
A sampling of insomnia.
A heapful of hopelessness.
A bottomless cup of guilt.
A dash of a fleeting suicidal thought.
A serving of no future excitement.
A boatload of rumination
and feeling trapped in my thoughts
like wandering in a maze
not sure if it’s a dead end, mousetrap
or if the escape route is
right around the corner.
Irritation and anger.
Lots of sadness
And easily prone to tears.
It’s hard to smile.
It feels like this heaviness,
This sad sorrow is all there is
All that there ever was
And all that will ever be.
And then the cycle repeats.
Another new day.
Another visit to the buffet.
[ If you are feeling overwhelmed or just need someone to talk to, dial 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline; contact your healthcare provider; dial the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s National Helpline at 1‑800‑662‑HELP or visit https://www.samhsa.gov/find-support/health-care-or-support or https://988lifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/ ]
LESSONS LEARNED
I have been going through a dark time filled with lows and deep sadness. I have been writing down the vital lessons I’ve learned during this period of grief and sorrow. I do not want to keep re-learning the same lessons again when a dark time inevitably visits me in the future. I am creating a “I let go of” list to be burnt under the full moon later this week.
This list is ever evolving, just like life. I plan to continue to add to it as healing insights come. Here is my lessons learned so far:
Only I can choose my feelings.
It is safe to feel and let out my emotions.
I am loved even when I’m feeling lost.
What if the opposite were true?
(when examining my assumptions)
A crossroads, a forked path all lead to the same destination.
What if it all works out anyway?
I am more than my job title.
I am alive and that is a blessing. Each day is a gift.
Busy and full is not a measurement of success.
They say
Who understands me but me when I say this is beautiful. When the path looks crooked and torn with rocks, stumps, roots and uneven ground. I take the first step. They say I should be afraid and not wander out too far, not go out of my comfort zone: the safety net that has become a leash tethering me to this spot training me to be okay with this small plot. They say I am reckless, foolish and asking for trouble. I lace on my sneakers and head out the door. The sunlight streams through the tree branches A lighted beam pointed toward freedom: Freedom from thinking small Lighting the path to discovering my own voice and inner strength. They say the path is dangerous. Its twists and turns unknown to an untrained eye. I do not need a compass in my pocket to show me the way. I have always known this journey. I may return to it again and again Reminding myself of my true worth. My true north is an innate part of me. It cannot be scared, beaten or numbed away. I will always resurface and be a companion and a guide to my own suffering and fears of being lost, Filled with doubt or shame, Guilty for taking the first step. I am in my corner. They say it is for my own good. It is uncomfortable to go against the grain. I show up again and again Not only to prove them wrong But to show up for me. I am on my own side and free to be me.
Our stories bind us
Community is the thread that Keeps humanity tethered. It reminds us we are one. We are not separate or alone. Our struggle is not just ours Alone to bear. We all share this one blue, green planet. And luckily we get to Share the same day and year. What troubles you I have been there. Although your story is Uniquely your own by your own experience and senses, I have felt that too On my own life’s journey. It can feel hard to open up To share our struggles Without fear of burdening another or adding more to the stress of everyday life. And when we put up blinders Or put up a protective guard, We become impenetrable to Another’s suffering and Inadvertently build walls of separation. I want to know what lights you up. What life lessons have you learned? What cherished memory do you want to remember? What do you wish you could forget? What do you wish you could hold on to And linger there for just a little longer? Our stories bind us And remind us Of our common humanity: Our fears, our woes, Our aches, our loss, our love Our ecstasy, our shame Our joys and pain. Our authentic truth Must be shared. The truth comes out eventually. Why not share some common ground And held space for one another? Today can we be present and listen Without agendas or distraction? Our presence is the present We give to each other Each and every day.
Being still with fear
What do we do when we feel discomfort? Do we run away? Do we distract ourselves? Do we ignore and pretend A doubting of reality? Where do the feelings go when they are repressed and not fully expressed? Do we digest them through our pores and with our breath? Do they alchemize into Our cells, our inner makeup Only to resurface again later? Am I okay if I sit here With the fear, the doubt, the unknown? Will I somehow lose myself and be completely consumed and transformed by it, as fear would tell? What if I sit here for 10 seconds? Surely, I can do anything for just 10 seconds. No big deal, I tell fear after the time’s run out. And, well, I’ll be. I’m still me. I didn’t fall of the cliff. The earth didn’t cease to rotate because I sat with the doubt or uncertainty. Still the earth rotates on its axis and I became one with the fear and found my way to the other side, To home. Confidence in myself, My self-worth, My inner being was strengthened as a result of just getting still And being with the discomfort. For just a moment in time Heaven moved with the earth And I came out unscathed At having faced it, Just for today.
Each season
Each Season has a reason A root cause A call to Mother Earth An honoring of nature’s rhythms. I, too, can play a role in this delicate dance. A celebration with Its own unique beauty Its own story to tell An expression of emotion of life itself. And all the stages One not better than the other All necessary and Interdependent on each other. Humans throughout time Have heard the call and took their rightful place at the helm at Mother Nature’s feet Ruffling her skirts, Smoothing the sheets One role not more prestigious than another. All needed in sharing the honor of her presence. Greeting her at each stage Arms open wide Accepting the gifts and the lessons To make way for Growth and space For it all to take place Together Side by side Hand in hand Guided to her Beauty and sorrow Each day a change to begin anew.
Jealousy
As I started this blog topic today, I noticed lousy is in the word jealousy And the final feeling when all the rage, anger, blame, guilt and shame has settled down, the end result is I always feel lousy. Can jealousy be my teacher or at least serve as a guidepost that a boundary perhaps is being crossed? Other times jealousy arises from the actions perceived or real by a stranger, someone unknown, and it’s not personal. But I feel recoiled, wounded and protective. It opens up old scars that I thought I’ve gotten over, long healed and moved on. Today, I got to work a little late so my usual parking spot was taken. It’s not mine. I don’t have a claim, a sign, a right even to that parking spot. It’s just convenient. I could always park one level up and be on the same spot. It’s all perspective, claiming ownership over something that isn’t mine. Today it was a reminder of impermanence and the inevitable change that must occur. And again suffering is optional and at my own making. I can leave feeling lousy. And instead of starting my day on the positive, I’m feeling thrown off kilter, uncertain and grumpy. When was the last time you felt jealous?
Saying goodbye to nice
“She’s so nice” “almost too nice.” What the hell does that mean? From childhood we are nice girls when we help mommy and are not too rambunctious or loud. Nice when we are using our imagination on domestic endeavors. I’ve grown up being called nice and the good girl. The dependable child. Always available, helping with minimal complaints or drama. How did this disposition become so ingrained into my identity that I don’t remember where it originated from? And when did I choose to embody the spirit of nice? I was in a long-term relationship in my early adult life. I played by all the rules and was proud of my accomplishments and all that I did and strive for despite my challenging upbringing. But I gave away my power so easily. Particularly to my partner. And I still have this tendency in my marriage. The weight I give him takes precedence over my own beliefs and interests. If I speak up, I feel selfish and like I’m being self-centered and there’s something wrong with me for voicing my opinion and concerns. I’m making waves. It’s always easier to just play along, go with the flow. But soon the scenery changes And the calm river is now rapidly moving towards downfall and I lost my footing, my way, my own heart’s calling and loving what I love because it fits me. I am cast off. So I need to make waves if anything for survival and self-preservation. I am not going to lie there without taking an active role. But these feelings of I should just go along, it’s easier than using effort when life can feel so exhausting. And “we have to choose our battles“ but then I’m left with a shell of what could’ve been.
Healing Insights 